Sunday, December 30, 2012

It's a Christmas Murder Miracle!



I love Christmas. I love the traditions that my family has developed over the years. We have a list of movies we always try to watch. (Unfortunately, this year we were unable to find the Patrick Stewart Christmas Carol that we prefer.) We have a flimsy advent calendar with a couplet for every day. (Day one: In the days of King Herod, a decree came from Rome that each must enroll at his forefather's home. Day two: So Joseph got Marry a donkey to ride and the long way to Bethlehem walked by her side. Day three: The Inn was so crowded with travelers that day, that the owner turned Mary and Joseph away. AND SO FORTH.) We have our traditional Christmas Eve feast. We have our eggnog while trimming the tree. We create our Christmas crime scene.


What’s that? You aren’t familiar with the Christmas crime scene? Well then, I shall explain! We have one of those ceramic Christmas village sets. Like this, but less elaborate:



One year, one of our villagers snapped in two! Throw in a piece of paper colored to look like a bloodstain, and a new tradition is born. Every year, a villager (usually the broken one) gets killed and is portrayed laying in a pool of his or her own blood while shocked onlookers look on and a policeman attempts to keep the peace.

Unfortunately, my mother threw away the broken pieces for whatever reason. So this year our victim was not snapped in half. However, I’ve decided to roll with it and create a photo story, for your viewing pleasure.



We begin in an idyllic snow-covered village. There are carolers. People are buying poinsettias. Children are playing. It is peaceful and glorious indeed.

BUT WAIT



A woman discovers a body in a pool of blood! It is Veronica, a local restaurateur and innkeeper. The woman screams and calls the town’s only police officer, Charles Marshwell who in my mind is getting on in years and requested to get a job in an idyllic town to begin his path into retirement.

 The police officer checks out the scene.

 


Meanwhile, the townsfolk are shocked by the news, and gossip amongst themselves.


The police officer interviews several residents and discovers that Mr. Macintyre – the town botanist – and Mr. Augustus – a local teacher who moonlights as a Christmas caroler – were both in a romantic relationship with Veronica.

 

This was the first Misters Macintyre and Augustus had heard of each other, and quickly fell to fisticuffs. A crowd quickly gathered.




Officer Marshwell tries to break it up, but is distracted by the town’s fireman apprentice, Ricky, walking the other way. Marshwell approaches the boy and asks him where he was the night Veronica got murdered.


Ricky quickly runs away, leading Officer Marshwell on a high-speed chase! The run across the bridge



and eventually end up in a visually stunning rooftop race. Officer Marshwell corners Ricky on the roof of the fire station.



Ricky, seeing no other choice, takes his chances and dives off the building.



Luckily, he is caught in a blanket of snow and is virtually unharmed. (It’s a Christmas miracle!)

It turns out that Ricky killed Veronica because Veronica was mad at schoolteacher Augustus and tried to burn down the local schoolhouse. As Ricky is a firefighter, he did his best to stop the blaze and accidentally hit her with his fireman pickaxe. So it really isn’t that bad, except for Veronica who is dead. But she was also probably committed all kinds of hate crimes, so it’s not too bad.

In the end, the villagers gather together and sing Fah WhoForaze and a plucky young child – suddenly cured of chicken pox for no real reason – says “God bless us, every one.” Also, at some point an angel gets his (OR HER, geeze) wings.

THE END


I hope your holidays were swell and you have a Happy New Year. God bless us, every one.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Thoughts on an ad from the side of my facebook news feed.


  • Am I supposed to be the birthmother or the adopter?
  • Wait, do you think I'm pregnant right now and you know that from my relationship status that I'm unlikely to want to keep it?
  • What on earth is in my internet history that makes me look like a pregnant lady? 
  • Is it because I keep looking up inspiration for Baby Shower cards? Because traditionally expectant mothers don't make themselves baby shower cards.
  • On a side note: Something like five (?) couples from my Redmond church are having/recently had little tiny babies. Perhaps facebook is gathering information of my friends and translating it to a single college girl context.
    • Related: Those Creekside folks are really good at naming babies.

  • Hahahahahaha. Doody.


Friday, September 7, 2012

Getting cut open

I am getting my gallbladder removed in one week and I am very excited. 

For the past few years I’ve been having weird stomach and back pains. My pain spells would last for about a week. Every time I ate I would become extremely ill. I would simultaneously get sharp pains in my stomach (like I was getting stabbed by a knife) and achy pains in my back (like I was getting hit by a hammer.) Then I’d usually throw up a few times. I was often involuntarily moved to tears, and I had to miss a lot of work because I couldn’t successfully fall (much less stay) asleep. After a week or two of this, I would gradually become better and the pains would go away for about a month or two. I first started experiencing these in November 2010. I remember this because I wrote about them here.

When I first started getting these I went to our on-campus medical center. I was told I had a stomach infection and that I had to wait it out. So for two years, wait it out I did.

Last week I had another pain spell. It was comparable in pain to the one that first led me to the doctor, so I decided to get professional help. It was Labor Day weekend, so our campus clinic was closed. I checked myself into the Flagstaff Medical Center emergency room. It was a good thing I did, because FMC – unlike the campus health clinic – has an ultrasound machine. I had my first ultrasound (and I got to see my insides, you guys!) and found out that I had gallstones.
A picture of gallstones that I found on Wikipedia. These are inside of me. Right now.

 I was happy to hear I had gallstones. It’s a strange feeling, being happy about something wrong. But I was so glad it was something treatable. I do not have to wait it out at all. And once my gallbladder is gone, I won’t have to deal with gallstones anymore. I can’t imagine not feeling that stomach-back pain combo ever again.

My surgery is on Friday, September 14. Until then, I’m on a combination of anti-nausea medications and Percocet. I’m excited to be off of those as well. I will continue to take pain medication – if I don’t, I’ll get the knife/hammer pains mentioned above – but I am excited to have my full mental capacity back. I cannot concentrate for long periods on this medicine. I am constantly zoning out. It has taken me half an hour to write all of this; if I could think clearly it would have been more like 15 minutes. I do a lot (like, a lot) of logic puzzles. I used to average around 2-3 minutes, but right now I'm doing them in 5-7. It's weird not being physically able to think as quickly as I used to. I have the memories of quick thought, but none of the ability right now.

I got a gallbladder removal pamphlet from my doctor. The back page was entitled Feeling Good Again. It’s about feeling good again. And it’s accompanied by this picture:
They're barbecuing their gallstone blues away.
Look how happy all those middle-aged white people are! Just hanging out with their watermelons and bottled water. I am pretty sure none of them have their gallbladders. As we all know, gallbladder removal is the fastest way to integrate oneself into suburban society. I am eagerly awaiting my comfortable shirts and my linen capris, and my practical sneakers.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Yet another post that mentions Pinterest. What happened to the Alison who didn't care about such things? Who am I?

I saw this on Pinterest and thought I could try it:



It did not go quite as well as I had hoped:


But hey, at least I got a cool story about it, right guys? 

Guys? 

Hello?



Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Lounging around

Department stores usually have awesome bathrooms. The ones in Nordstrom's, for instance, usually have a small women's lounge, with couches and mirrors and everything you might need:

This is part of a bathroom.

On further thought, bathroom lounges are kind of gross. But I've always liked them. They are perfect for, for example, feeding a tiny baby or resting from shopping or becoming so overwhelmed by one's beauty that they may swoon into a waiting couch. In high school I always entertained the idea of one day having a tea party in our local neighborhood Nordstroms.

I bring this up because I recently went into a slightly less high-end store and noticed that they attempted to do something similar in their bathrooms.


Nothing says luxury quite like airport chairs.




Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The Future is Now!


Earlier today I idly considered how I had not posted anything here for quite a while. I searched my mind for something to talk about, with no avail. I figured that in the near future I might sit myself down and force myself to write something. I didn’t want to merely write a post detailing what I’ve been doing – that wouldn’t be very interesting, and this is not a journal – but I thought I might be able to write about nothing long enough to post it on my blog.

Then I stepped into Christie Rosenkranz’s local neighborhood Jack in the Box and beheld what promises to be the single greatest invention heretofore invented by humans.

Let me back up.

I recently realized that I hadn’t been by myself since finals. I’ve had a blast. I went camping and had the opportunity to observe several of my friends in their native habitats. But as an introvert, I very much need some time to myself to recharge and recollect my thoughts. The constant contact with humans, while enjoyable, was draining me. So when Christie mentioned that she had a commitment this evening, I jumped at the chance to have some introvert time.

I was dropped off at Starbucks and spent a short amount of time there before finding out that this particular store closed abnormally early. I walked to a nearby Jack in the Box, hoping they would have WiFi. They did. And they had the Freestyle: a soda machine that is better than other soda machines.



When you put it that way, it doesn’t sound too terribly revolutionary. But seriously, it is the soda machine of the future. By which I mean, if you do a Google search for soda machine of the future, the Freestyle is every single result.  

When doing that search, I found out that the machine came out in 2009, so I’m three years late to this party. But hey, I don’t go inside fast food restaurants very often, and we don’t really have fancy things in Flagstaff.

It’s basically a soda machine consolidated into one nozzle with different flavorings, so you can customize your beverages; I am convinced that beverages require customization. And it has a Wikipedia page. And there’s a touchscreen.

At this point in this post, you are likely wondering what flavor combinations I tried. I am glad you asked. I started with Diet Dr. Pepper with cherry:
(Reenactment)


Then Coke with raspberry and lime:

(Reenactment)


And Sprite with Peach, of which I was less fond:
(Reenactment)

And a nostalgic-tasting rootbeer and vanilla:

(Reenactment)



It was a beautiful experience. Even Warren Buffet likes it. Look at his determination and delight!


Another cool thing I discovered today was that Christie’s microwave looks like an oven.