With curly hair, I’m not technically supposed to use shampoo. There are crazy amounts of websites that say “sham+poo=phony+poop.” Apparently, “[m]ost shampoos contain harsh, drying sulfates that are extremely damaging for curly hair (ammonium laureth sulfate, ammonium lauryl sulfate, sodium laureth sulfate, sodium lauryl sulfate, etc.).” Except I still use shampoo. Not every day, but I still use it.
Conditioner, on the other hand, is a thing of beauty. Every year, conditioner tops my Christmas and birthday lists.* I love conditioner so much I’d marry it, were such a thing legal. Though I’d probably feel bad about squeezing every last drop out of my husband, only to discard him like so much garbage when it’s gone; I’m just not that kind of girl.
Where is this going, you ask? Good question. Excellent, in fact. Earlier today I took a shower. I share said shower with some other people, so there are some other bottles of shampoo and conditioner. Suave and Herbal Essences. It made me realize that the more “fancy” a shampoo/conditioner is, the more detailed the directions are. Your basic, store brand, cheap shampoo or conditioner will be all “lather, rinse, repeat,” which incidentally was the basis for one of my favorite episodes of Pinky and the Brain***.
A non-store brand that is cheap, but not that cheap – such as, say, Suave – will go with a “Massage into scalp, rinse, repeat if desired, follow with corresponding conditioner.” Herbal Essence – the next tier up goes all cutesy: “Massage Me In. Rinse Me Out. Viola! You've Go My Full Attention.”
I’m a TRESemme girl myself. The directions of these are something close to “cover hair from roots to halfway down tips – like you’re make a ponytail. Work whatever’s left through the tips. Leave on for one to five minutes and rinse.”
I imagine that the really expensive shampoo would be something like:
Pour two and a half teaspoons into your hand. Blow on it gently. After asking for and receiving its permission, work exactly half of it into the roots of your hair. Place a drop of what remains on the tips of each of your ears and work the rest in a clockwise motion into the tips of your hair. Spin around three times and rinse. Repeat.
*This is a lie. Just clarifying**, as my birthday’s coming up.
**Ha. Clarifying. Shampoo.
***They put on broadway shows to raise money to add the word “continuously” (or something) to the “lather, rinse, repeat” directions, so everyone would be busy shampooing and they’d take over the world. Genius!